Friday Funnies

A man dining out calls his waiter over to the table. “I’ve noticed something odd,” he says. “My alphabet soup only has numbers in it.” “Oh, I’m sorry, sir,” replies the waiter. “We ran out of alphabet soup. That’s stewdoku.”

SIMPLE FIXES FOR COMMON SLEEP PROBLEMS

Have you ever had one of those nights where you just can’t fall asleep, no matter how tired you are? Or, what about when the quality of your sleep is so poor, it feels like you never even shut your eyes? Well, there’s help. Here are a few simple fixes for the three most common sleep problems, from CNN.

• The first sleep problem: night waking. This is when you fall asleep normally but a few hours later you’re wide awake. There are a couple of solutions here. First, look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to learn some relaxation techniques. You can find a Behavioral Therapist at NACBT.org. The easiest fix is just taking that alarm clock with the bright red numbers off your nightstand. Even a small amount of brightness is strong enough to enter your retina when your eyes are closed, and that sends a signal to your brain that upsets your internal clock and tells you it’s time to be awake. An eight-week study in Finland found that sleep quality improved after just six days without an illuminated alarm clock.

• Next sleep problem is getting up too early. This is when you wake up at four in the morning and are exhausted by dinner time. It can be a vicious cycle, but breaking it is simple. Decide on a morning wake up time, then count backwards eight hours to get your bedtime. Then stick to those times like glue, even on weekends! Getting your body on a regular sleep schedule will increase your energy and make you feel more alert!

• Third common sleep problem: constant worrying. You feel like you just can’t turn your brain off. Stress and insomnia are related, and scientists believe that, in insomniacs, the area of the brain that controls stress is more active at night. So, you need to calm your brain down. Try distracting yourself by concentrating on your breathing, as you do this, your mind calms and you fall asleep.

… If you’re having trouble sleeping on a regular basis, you might have a serious sleep disorder like sleep apnea. So, contact your doctor and describe your symptoms. Know that you’re not alone. According to the National Sleep Foundation about 30 million people are suffering with you!

PARENTS BANNED FROM PLAYING WITH KIDS

Score one for Britain in its contest with the United States to create the stupidest fear-based society. The Watford Borough Council took the lead by banning parents from supervising their own kids in public playgrounds, “because they have not undergone criminal record checks.” The only adults allowed to monitor the kids are “play rangers.” The children’s parents must “watch from outside a perimeter fence.”

GIRL WHO DIED OF CANCER LEFT NOTES FOR PARENTS

When Brooke and Keith Desserich’s 6-year-old daughter, Elena, was diagnosed with cancer, the Cincinnati couple didn’t want her to know the severity of her illness. Doctors told the parents their daughter had just months to live. And as the tumor ravaged her body and took away her ability to talk, they knew she knew what was happening. And Elena was still able to write. After Elena passed away, her parents discovered that their daughter had left a message behind for them — a lot of messages, actually. They started to pull out notes from between CDs or between books on a bookshelf. Then the couple started finding them everywhere. The notes, short and usually with words like “I love you…”, are still being found — and there have been hundreds. But Elena’s parents each hold onto a sealed note they’ve never opened. They say they always want to know that there’s one more note that they haven’t read yet. The Desserich have told their daughter’s story in a book, with profits going to a cancer foundation.

(From Justin): Love your children, hug your children, and train them in the way they should go. The book’s name is “Notes Left Behind”.

Halloween Tips

Did you know that if you sprinkle some cinnamon and nutmeg on the inside of your jack-o-lantern before lighting the candle, the flame will heat the area inside the pumpkin making a yummy, natural pumpkin-pie scent?

A Big Oops!

At a clothing store, a young sales clerk — her first day on the job — was determined to give customers her unvarnished opinion. One day, when a man emerged from a fitting room, the sales clerk took one look at him and shook her head. “No, no,” she said. “Those jeans look terrible on you. I’ll go get you another pair.” As she walked away she heard the customer mumble, “I was trying on the shirt.”

Phobias

Maryann gave away tickets to the Hi-4H Haunted House this week. Listeners had to guess the #1 Phobia. (Winners also guessed # 10 & #5)
Just in case you want the to know the complete list, here it is:

TOP TEN REAL PHOBIAS

10. Dentist

9. Dogs

8. Flying

7. Thunder and lightning

6. The dark

5. Heights

4. Other people, or social phobia

3. Spaces. In other words, any place we fear of escape might be difficult: elevators, sporting events, bridges, etc.

2. Spiders

1. Snakes

EASY WAYS TO RID YOUR HOME OF ODORS

Winter’s just around the corner. While closed windows and doors are a no-brainer when it comes to keeping in the heat, they can also trap unpleasant household smells. So, here’s a quick lesson in odor removal (MSN):

 • Let’s start with a little instant dry cleaning for old clothes: Put a small amount of vodka in a spray bottle and lightly mist the garment. The alcohol kills bacteria without leaving a scent. Costumers use this trick to get the smell of mothballs, sweat, and mildew out of the vintage clothing in their wardrobes. 

 • Whenever you eat an orange, lemon, lime or grapefruit, run the peels through the garbage disposal. You’ll take care of sink stink without the risk harmful fumes.

 • Odor buster #3: Vanilla extract. If you wipe your freezer with a cloth dampened with vanilla, you’ll get rid of all the smells that linger on ice. To disinfect the freezer, use a solution of white vinegar and water. It gets the icebox clean without leaving a “chemical” smell.

 • To deodorize food storage containers, soak plastic ones in warm water and baking soda. For glass jars and dishes, use a mixture of one teaspoon powdered mustard to one quart of warm water. 

 • You can get rid of the musty odor in your basement by using an onion. Just slice it in half, put it on a plate and leave it overnight. The next morning there might be a slight onion smell, but that soon goes away – and takes the musty basement smell with it.

(From Justin) : I would love to hear about your “Easy Odor Removal” method. Comment on this blog and you might hear your method on the air. Just register as a user of this website, it’s free!

WOMAN ACTS LIKE DOG TO SCARE OFF BURGLAR

Police are investigating after an Athens, Georgia, woman scared off a would-be burglar by using her animal-like talents. Saturday night the woman got on the floor and began scratching at the door and acting like a large dog when a suspicious man tried turning the woman’s door knob. The police report did not say what specific dog-like behavior, such as barking, the woman mimicked. The woman said the man quickly ran from the porch. Police searched the neighborhood for him, but were unsuccessful.

(From Justin) : Ever improvised to stay safe? Register to become a user of this website and comment on this story (Registration is free).