Dad pulls a tooth, WITH A ROCKET!
There’s an excuse for everything, but in case you don’t have one, here are a few you can use the next time you need one. Perhaps you can add to this list? email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
- Somebody else must have been in here before me.
- I did exactly what the directions said to do.
- I was out that day.
- I was set up.
- I wasn’t thinking straight.
- I thought we were just kidding around.
- Nobody gave me any warning.
- I’m allergic.
- The alarm didn’t go off.
- Everybody does it this way.
- It seemed like a good idea at the time.
- The salesman said this wouldn’t happen.
- I was just following orders.
- It was here a minute ago.
- I never said I was an expert.
- You can’t win ’em all.
- It wasn’t my idea.
One week to Father’s Day! Do any of these sound familiar? Have YOU become your dad? Have any to add? – Justin
- Don’t ask me, ask your mother.
- Were you raised in a barn? Close the door.
- You didn’t beat me. I let you win.
- Big boys don’t cry.
- Don’t worry. It’s only blood.
- Don’t you know any normal boys?
- Now you listen to me, Buster!
- I’ll play catch after I read the paper.
- Coffee will stunt your growth.
- A little dirt never hurt anyone-just wipe it off.
- Get your elbows off the table.
- I told you, keep your eye on the ball.
- Who said life was supposed to be fair.
- Always say please and thank you. That way, you get more.
- If you forget, you’ll be grounded till the end of the world.
- You call that a haircut?
- “Hey” is for horses.
- This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.
- Turn off those lights. Do you think I am made of money?
- Don’t give me any of your lip, young lady.
- You call that noise “music?”
- We’re not lost. I’m just not sure where we are.
- No, we’re not there yet.
- Shake it off. It’s only pain.
- When I was your age, I treated my father with respect.
- As long as you live under my roof, you’ll live by my rules.
- I’ll tell you why. Because I said so. That’s why.
- Do what I say, not what I do.
- Sit up straight, knucklehead!
- So you think you’re smart, do you?
- What’s so funny? Wipe that smile off your face.
- Young ladies perspire, they do not sweat.
- If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times.
- C’mon, you throw like a girl.
- You want something to do? I’ll give you something to do.
- You should visit more often. Your mother worries.
- This is your last warning.
- Your mother worries.
- I’m not sleeping, I was watching that channel.
- What keeps those jeans of yours from falling off?
- I’m not just talking to hear my own voice!
Women’s Health gives us some Father’s Day stats:
1966 was the year Father’s Day was first declared a holiday.
1 in 5 women say their first word was “dada.”
- 18% of women hope to find a guy just like their dad.
- 15% of women said as kids they thought their old man could kick Superman’s butt.
- The Average Woman’s all time favorite sitcom dad is ‘Cliff Huxtable,’ The Cosby Show
- Coolest thing the Average Woman’s dad taught her to do how to be a ‘Ms. Fix-It.’
- She calls her dad a average of 6 times a month.
- She visits her dad 3 times a month.
- She spends her quality time with dad yapping over coffee most often chatting about her lazy brother, nagging mother, or mooching uncle.
- 50% of daughter’s send dad a card for Father’s Day.
- 42% give him a call or a gift.
- $88.80 is the amount the average woman spends on her dad for Father’s Day.
- $122.16 is the amount the average women spends on her mom for Mother’s Day.
- The most popular gift for Father’s Day is a necktie.
- 30% of dad’s think a necktie is the worst choice for a gift.
- 22% of women say they’re closer to their Dad than their Mom.
- 1 in 3 say Dad’s easier to talk to than Mom.
- 26% of women would describe their dad as a tough guy.
- 14% of women think their dad is a big softy.
- Nearly a third of women say their trait they inherited from Dad and which they hadn’t is his temper.
A phenomenon called “Movie Rage” is sweeping the nation. According to a poll of emergency rooms, more and more patients are going to the theater to see the latest flick and departing in an ambulance. “Movie Rage makes Road Rage look like child’s play,” says Dr. Jorge Gonzalez, an ER physician at Our Lady of Angles in The Outfield in San Diego. “I patched up a woman who was viciously stabbed with a nail file. She kept answering her cell phone during a movie. The lady sitting next to her went berserk.” The survey showed the behaviors most likely to result in assault with a deadly weapon are:
- Crunching popcorn
- Repeatedly sucking the last two dribbles of soda from a straw
- Answering a cell phone
- Rattling a plastic bag of candy
- Tipping boxes of Raisinettes or SnoCaps so the contents slide back and forth
- Blurting out the ending of the movie
- Kicking the back of the person’s seat in front of you
Question: You ever lost your cool in a movie theatre? – Justin
Don’t fret if you find yourself talking about if it’s going to rain or snow or be breezy with your friends and coworkers, because you’re not alone. A new survey made the startling finding that people discuss the weather a lot. In fact, they talk about it for a staggering six months out of their lives. Women especially like to talk about the weather. They converse about it more than men do. It’s an even more popular subject with gals than their love lives and gossip. Older folks love talking about the weather the most, doing it three times more than teens. Seniors also believe they can predict it better than professional weather forecasters. Weather is also big on the Twitter social networking Web site there are a whopping 500,000 Tweets about it each day.
Do you find yourself talking about the weather a lot? Get ALL the weather info for the motherlode you will ever need by clicking my goofy picture. The mymotherlode weather section will even give you almanac information. – Justin
Handling a toad will give you warts. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Chocolate causes acne. These old wives’ tales have been around for centuries but are they true? “Some are simply false, some are based on a seed of truth and yet others are right on the money,” says Thomas Craughwell, author of “Do Blue Bedsheets Bring Babies?” Here are 10 familiar tales and whether or not they’re the straight dope:
- A dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s — False. A canine mouth contains 53 types of bacteria while a human mouth breeds only 37. So think twice before giving Spot a kiss on the mouth.
- Reading in dim light will ruin your eyes — False. According to the American Academy of Ophthalmology, you can’t wear out your eyes by using them in poor light.
- Toads give you warts — False. The skin glands of a toad secrete a substance that can give you hallucinations, but neither the slimy toxic gunk nor the toads cause warts.
- Crack your knuckles and you’ll get arthritis — False. While certain repetitive actions can lead to arthritis, knuckle cracking isn’t one of them.
- If you cross your eyes, they’ll stay that way — False. Stabismus, the disorder that causes misaligned eyes, only affects 4 percent of American children. Crossing the eyes does not cause the disease.
- Arthritis flares up in wet weather — False. People swim and shower without flare-ups and most people stay inside when it rains.
- Spicy foods create stomach ulcers — False. A bacterial infection or overuse of pain medications are the culprits.
- Walking under a ladder is bad luck — True. While a stroll under a ladder won’t endanger your soul, it poses potential dangers from falling buckets and tools.
- An apple a day keeps the doctor away — True. Apples are packed with antioxidants that fight the free radicals that cause cancer and other diseases.
- Chocolate causes acne — False. You can eat as much chocolate as you want and not worry about breakouts, which flare up when the pores of the skin become blocked with oil.
Do you use any of these on your children? I find myself telling my kids their face is going to “stick” that way if they keep crossing their eyes. – Justin
69% of young adults love giving and/or getting flowers. If you plan to send flowers, here’s what they mean:
Violets: “I return your love.”
Gladiolus: “You pierce my heart.”
Gardenia: “I love you deeply, but in secret.”
Apple blossom: “You are my favorite.”
Bachelor’s button: “Single blessedness.”
Red carnation: “I love you.”
Daffodil: “Best regards.”
Goldenrod: “Protect me with your love.”
Lily of the Valley: “My happiness is returned.”
Petunia: “Never despair of me.”
Buttercup: “You are rich in all attractions.”
Wisteria: “I cling to you.”
Zinnia: “My thoughts to you absent friend.”
Daisy: “I will think about it.”
Yellow tulip: “Hopeless love.”
Salvia: “I think of you always.”
White lily: “purity and modesty.”
Ever wonder where those familiar wedding rituals came from. Many customs are as old as love itself, dating back to Roman times or before, according to expert Carley Roney, editor of theknot.com, a wedding-planning web site. For example, the traditional white color of the wedding gown is popular because “in ancient Roman times, white was a color of celebration,” she said. “The tradition of the bride and groom not seeing each other on their wedding day comes from the ancient tradition of the bride not showing her face to the groom at all before the wedding,” said Roney, author of “The Knot Guide to Wedding Vows and Traditions.” Here are the origins of other popular wedding traditions, according to Roney:
- Carrying the bride over the threshold — An ancient superstition held that evil spirits collected on the threshold of the new home waiting to invade the bride through the soles of her feet, a disaster that could be avoided if she entered in her husband’s arms.
- The bride’s veil — The centuries-old practice of hiding the bride’s face was intended to preserver her modesty. Romans covered the bride in yellow cloth.
- Groomsmen — These friends of the groom have been present at weddings since ancient times, when brides were often captured by force and the new husband needed allies to help him fend off her family.
- The bridal train — The long trailing train on gowns dates back to the Middle Ages when the higher the bride’s social standing, the longer the material she dragged down the aisle.
- Throwing rice — Grains were thought in ancient times to symbolize fertility, so scattering them over the bridal couple ensured they’d have many children.
- The wedding ring — Its circular shape is believed to symbolize endless love, Ancient Egyptians began the tradition of placing it on the third finger of the left hand because they believed that the vein in that finger ran directly to the heart.
- Tossing the bouquet — Centuries ago, wedding guests would tear at the bride’s flowers and clothes to share her happiness, so the bride tossed her bouquet to ensure she got away in one piece.
- Tossing the garter — The scramble for the bride’s garter dates back to a medieval tradition in which wedding guests invaded the bridal chamber to steal the bride’s stockings for good luck. To avoid this calamity, a groom tossed the garter to his friends.